The Waiting Room

There is one big thing that Ben and I have felt led to share that was not mentioned in our last blog post.  As most of you know we have been trying for quite some time to get pregnant.  We have been praying and seeking the Lord’s will for our lives throughout the infertility process and in early December we found out that we were pregnant.  We were beyond excited and I would have to say that it was one of the best days of our lives.  It is a long story that we will blog about soon, but we found out in January that we had had a miscarriage.  It was a devastating experience for both Ben and myself.  We have had our moments of questioning God’s plan for us, but have come to have a peace about the entire situation.  It does not mean that we are not heartbroken about the loss of our first baby, but we are realizing that we are not in control.  The Lord has been faithful to us in so many ways, and we are trying to focus on his faithfulness and not our current circumstances.

We both felt that the Lord wanted us to share this on our blog for several reasons. First, we know that so many of you have been and are praying for us throughout this process.  We appreciate your prayers more than you know.  We also realize how common miscarriages are, and that it affects so many couples.  Ben said shortly after we found out that we lost the baby, that prior to this he couldn’t relate to someone who had experienced a miscarriage, but now we both can.  I am not sure why the Lord has us where he has us but I want to make sure that we are learning what he wants us to learn and using us according to his will.

We did have a very encouraging visit with our doctor a few weeks ago.  I have been praying for the last few months for the Lord to provide us with encouragement and hope.  Infertility has been a tough trial for us and at times I have struggled with having hope in our circumstances.  I was not necessarily considering our upcoming doctors appointment while praying for these things, but was reminded of God’s goodness shortly after the appointment.  To fill you in, they mentioned during the D &C that they would send off a specimen to hopefully determine the cause of the miscarriage and possibly the gender of the baby.  Ben and I both understood that we were not guaranteed a detailed report, but we were very hopeful.  Shortly after we met with our doctor, he informed us that they were indeed able to obtain details from the pathology results and the baby was a boy.  I was fighting back tears as he was discussing the results with us, but they were tears of peace and joy.  We would have obviously loved having a boy or a girl but being able to know the gender helped us have closure.  It also further confirmed that God had blessed us with a miracle, even if it was for a short time.  We were also informed that the cause of the miscarriage was a random genetic disorder that is non repetitive.  This was also very good news.  He encouraged us that being able to become pregnant “on our own” and without fertility treatments was encouraging and that we would have a good chance of becoming pregnant again.  I left the appointment feeling that the Lord had answered my prayers.  He had given me hope and encouragement and reminded me that he does hear me and does care about my needs.

Our message this morning in church reaffirmed what the Lord has shown me lately.  Part on the message touched on how God is present in difficult times and referenced 2 Thessalonians 2:15-17.  ” 15 So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter. 16 May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, 17encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.”  It’s great to be reminded of the Lord’s faithfulness, even in the tough times.

Not that we have been the best bloggers, but how has it been four months?  Its about time I caught up on what has been going on these past few months.  Most of this stuff probably will bore most of you, but I want to be able to look back and remember some of the details.

In November we went to Arkansas with the Hobbs family to celebrate Thanksgiving.  We LOVED spending time with Brad, Tessa and the girls.  We also got to meet sweet Hannah for the first time.  She is gorgeous and such a sweet baby!  We had a great time spending time with them.  One of my favorite memories from the trip was sweet Caroline asking multiple times to hear “Holy” by Matt Redman.  Music is a big part of mine and Ben’s life, as well as the entire Hobbs family.  Ben and Brad had several songs that they wanted the other one to hear during the trip.  The day that we arrived in Arkansas we were eating in the kitchen with the girls and Caroline requested “Holy” during dinner.  It was so sweet to me that she wanted to hear the song and sang along with the parts that she knew.  She is such a smart child and seeing her excitement in this song made my heart smile.  It really is a good song if you have not heard it.  We are so excited to see them when they are in town next week!

In December we went to Tennessee to celebrate my niece Madison’s 3rd birthday.  She is in love with anything princess which is so precious to me.  She had a princess theme birthday party, and my sister Emily did an amazing job. This was our first “event” since my mother’s death, which was kinda hard.  It didn’t feel the same without her there, but I think overall the party was great.  A few weeks before Madison’s birthday I was talking to Emily about her plans for the party.  She mentioned that she would love to have someone dress up as a princess but was afraid that it would scare Maddie (She isn’t big on people dressed up as characters).  I offered to dress up as a princess, but didn’t really think much about it for the next few weeks.  A few days before the party Mary called to tell me that Emily had ordered three princess costumes- Snow White, Aurora, and Cinderella for the party, thinking that all three of us might dress up.  We all thought it sounded like fun.  The only catch was that the Aurora costume was a one size fits all size 14 (if that even makes sense).  We all laughed about it and Mary, being the tallest, volunteered to take one for the team and wear the Aurora costume.  I think she pulled it off nicely.  A side story that made me laugh was the costume dilemma for Maddie the day of the party. The Aurora costume Emily ordered for Maddie to wear to the party ended up being way too small.  Maddie and I jumped in the car and drove to party city in search of an Aurora costume that would fit her.  When we arrived at the store I found a costume that I thought would fit and the woman at the front suggested we try it on in the dressing room first.  The dressing room? I didn’t even know they had a dressing room, but Maddie and I ventured to the back to find it.  As I approached the back of the store I knew this was going to be interesting.  If you have ever been to Party City you know that the back of the store is where they have all the costumes, including scary masks, props, etc.  The dressing room was this black stall in the back corner.  Maddie did not like it, and I don’t blame her.  She was not about to try on the costume back there and kept saying “This is scary Aunt Sarah.  I don’t like this place”.  Poor baby, I probably made the child have nightmares.  The good news is the costume fit and she had a great time.  Another funny moment was when Maddie saw me dressed as Snow White she went running upstairs to put on her Snow White costume yelling “Wait for me Aunt Sarah! Wait for me!”.  After a few minutes she saw Emily dressed as Cinderella and again went running upstairs to put on her Cinderella costume.  Finally she saw Mary dressed up as Aurora and she ran to put on her Aurora costume which ended up making it until the end of the party.  The bottom line is that your Mommy and Aunts love you very much Madison and would sacrifice looking like idiots to make you happy! Mary and I laughed that we will probably make fools of ourselves when she gets married some day- which better be a LONG time from now!

Christmas was also tough without my mom, but I think we all did really well.  We went to TN for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  We went to our annual Christmas Eve service and then had a family Dinner at Chip and Emily’s.  Poor Madison.  We of course waited until the end of the night to take the family photo and she was not having it.

The following day we ate Christmas lunch with George’s side of the family at the Hermitage in Nashville. This year my sisters and I made photo books for our nieces with pictures of just them and my mom.  We also gave them sweet necklaces in memory of “Nay Nay”.  We weren’t sure how they would feel about them, but they loved them.  It was hard on all of us to look through them and to watch them looking through them.  It was special because she was such an amazing grandmother to them and spent so much time with each of them. George told me later that Ella, my oldest niece, when asked what her favorite Christmas present was said it was her book that her Aunts made her with pictures of her and Nay Nay! Couldn’t have made me happier!

This was a forever long post, but I wanted to make sure I documented some of these moments over the past few months. And for Caroline, I’m adding “Holy” to the bottom if anyone wants to listen.

A Few Things That Make Me Smile

- Fall weather - I love sweaters, boots, fires, football.  I love it all! Notice it says fall not winter.  I am not a big fan of really cold weather!

- Praising the Lord on my way to work -lately this has included a song that I ABSOLUTELY love. It is called My Hope is In You by Aaron Shust.  LOVE IT!!!

- Dancing with my amazing hubby – most recently to Martina McBride and Hunter Hayes.  Good stuff! When I say dancing I don’t mean “dancing with the stars” dancing.  I am referring to the spontaneous, any time of the day, in the kitchen, bathroom, living room type of dancing.  We aren’t good dancers, but that is not the point =)

-My adorable nieces – We have five nieces now but the number will be changing very soon.   We are sooo excited about little Miss Hannah who is going to make her debut in the next week! Can’t wait to meet her.  We just wish they were all a little closer.

- Great Friends and a wonderful church - We have an amazing small group and we love getting to meet up weekly to learn about the Lord’s plan for our lives. Right now we are doing a study on marriage that has been so eye opening.

The list could go on and on. The motivation for the above list was a recent short message I heard by Beth Moore.  She is such an amazing speaker. The message was talking about being joyful and that our joy is contagious.  She gave an example of her office staff celebrating in the Lord’s accomplishments.  They were being silly and dancing around in the office one day after hearing about several answered prayers.  A few women who did not work in Beth’s office passed by and saw the women dancing.  When they asked what was going on Beth was able to share with them how awesome the Lord was and the reason for their joy.  She said that a few minutes later, the women came back in tears.  They didn’t know Jesus or the joy that the other women were experiencing, but they wanted to.

The message was both encouraging and convicting to me.  How often do we exhibit joy that is contagious?  How many times has someone asked you why you were so happy and you had a chance to share the love of Christ?  How many of us say that it is intimidating to approach someone and witness to them?  Maybe the Lord is asking you to be more joyful and then others will come to you and give you the opportunity to witness to them.  Just something to think about.

I can only think of one time in my adult life that I have actually physically climbed a mountain.  The location was Crooked Creek Ranch in Colorado, and I had recently graduated from high school.  Crooked Creek has a special place in my heart because that it where I met an amazing man who later became my husband. That was a total God thing, but another story all together.  This is a picture from the top of the mountain, and it is of our group from Tennessee. It’s crazy to me that it was taken a little over 10 years ago.

The reason I bring up the mountain story is because of something the Lord showed me during my recent quiet time.  The analogy of valleys and mountain tops frequntly come up when discussing hardships and victories in our walk with Christ. I would have to say that the past few years have been somewhat of a “valley period” for Ben and I in regards to waiting on the Lord.  I have asked the Lord multiple times during the past few years to get us to the “mountain top” of all of these trials and show us His plan for us.  The image of a mountain climber came into my mind and it was as if the Lord was trying to convey something to me. I began to realize that the toughest part of the climb is the climb itself.  When you are at the bottom of the mountain you may be doubtful that you will reach the top, or hesitant to begin the climb, but it is the actual climbing that is the hard part.  You cannot expect to move instantly from the bottom of the mountain to the top.  The Lord uses the hardships and trials of the climb to mold you into the person He wants you to be.  We are also less likely to appreciate the view from the top if we did not have to put in the work to get there.  It was encouraging to me to know that I am not in the same location I was a few years ago spiritually, and although I may not be able to tell how close I am to the top of the mountain, I know I am making progress.

When I heard this song by Selah it reminded me of what the Lord was showing me.  I love the line “ Though my hands cannot reach it, and my mind can’t comprehend it. But my soul is gonna get there one day.” I am sure they are talking about the ultimate mountain top experience of getting to heaven, but it reminded me of where we are also.  We may not be able to comprehend or reach what we are working towards, but we will get there one day.

On Wednesday, June 8th, my mother went to be with the Lord.  That was one month ago.  I cannot believe that it has been a month.  I honestly was not sure I could make it to this point.  The day that she passed was the worst day of my life.  I have been on the other side of death several times as a nurse.  I don’t think I really understood what people go through when they lose someone so suddenly.  I have experienced death that is somewhat expected when I lost my father.  I thought that was tough, but I am now convinced that losing someone unexpectedly is much tougher.  The only positive aspect is that she didn’t suffer.  She felt no pain.  If that was the Lord’s plan for her, then I am grateful that she was able to leave this world peacefully.  That being said, it still leaves those of us who loved her with questions and feeling like a part of us has died.  I miss my mother more than anything in this world.

She was an amazing woman who loved the Lord with all of her heart.  She was a loving, giving, selfless, joyful, fun and intelligent woman.  I could not have asked for a better mother.  She was a best friend to myself and my sisters and we laugh about how many times we each called her a day.  It is a wonder she was able to do all of the amazing things that she did with us constantly calling to “chat”, ask for advice or to vent about our days.  Initially I was angry and hurt that she was taken from us so quickly.  I have had time to process her death and I realize that although this is honestly the hardest thing I have had to deal with, she is now walking with our Lord Jesus Christ and is in the most perfect place we could ever long to be.  I almost feel selfish wishing that she was still on this earth with us and it makes me even more excited to go to Heaven one day and see her again.

My mother was a retired school teacher and librarian.  She went back to school later in life to obtain a degree in family counseling from a Christian based university.  She spent the last few years of her life counseling individuals and couples and provided pre-marriage counseling to couples getting married.

This photo is a photo I obtained from the Integrity House website where my mother was a counselor.  The first time I saw this photo was after her death but I love it.  Those who knew my mother knew her to look exactly like this photo-vibrant and happy.  I told Ben shortly after she passed away that I had a hard time thinking of a time when my mother wasn’t happy or joyful.  She had a way of making you feel happy when you were sad, hopeful when you felt defeated and encouraged when you were discouraged.

I never knew how many people my mother had helped until she passed away.  My sisters and I have received multiple emails, cards and phone calls to tell us how much my mother meant to those who knew her.  We had several people who told us how she “saved their marriages” and even some who told us that she had saved their lives.  I know if my mother was reading this she would tell me that it was not her that impacted those individuals lives, but the Lord working through her that changed their lives.  She was quick to give God all the credit for her accomplishments.

I could write page after page about how amazing my mother was.  I think the thing I miss most is being able to call her when something great happens or when I just want to hear her voice.  She will be missed terribly, but I know that I will see her again one day.  I am so thankful that I was able to talk to my mother the night before she passed away.  I feel the need to tell anyone reading this to call your mother or father, or any of your loved ones “too much” and to tell them how much you love and appreciate them.  You honestly never know when your last conversation with that person will be.

I think most people aspire to appear strong in the face of obstacles.  The funny thing is that people may see you as being strong, but on the inside you feel like the complete opposite of strong.  I often refer to our certain situation as a roller coaster. At times you feel so strong and confident and then the next minute you feel confused and abandoned. I have to remind myself that the Lord is in control and despite what I am feeling, He has me in His hands. He knows that we are not strong enough to make it through these trials on our own.  We are, however, more than strong enough with the Lord in charge.  I have found that two songs in particular have brought encouragement to me over the past few months. The words to both songs are so true, and if you can get through the Mandesa song without a smile there is something seriously wrong with you! I hope you find the words of these songs as encouraging as I do.

I wanted to start this post by saying that the purpose of this blog is not for anyone to read our posts and feel sorry for us.  I am hesitant to post some things for fear of people pitying us, but felt that I should post some “real life” occurrences every now and then. I am sure that at least a few of the people reading our blog have gone through a similar situation and may be able to relate.  That being said, I thought I would share something that happened to me the other day.

I am not a person that typically feels uncomfortable in a doctor’s office.  I am either in the hospital or a doctor’s office more than I am not in a hospital or doctor’s office due to my line of work.  There is, however, one doctor’s office that I do not particularly enjoy going to.  In fact, I would have to say that for the most part I avoid it at all costs.  It dawned on me the other day that I was well past my “once a year” visit that I had to make to my OBGYN’s office.  I was not dreading the visit due to the exam, blood work, questions, etc. All of that stuff really does not faze me. I was dreading the visit due to what comes prior to the actual visit, the waiting room.  You may laugh at me, but if you are a woman trying as hard as you can to get pregnant, and you are not pregnant, it can be a very uncomfortable place to be.  I scheduled the last visit of the day and thought that by doing so I would be safe.  I mean, how many people could possibly be left in the waiting room that late in the day?  I also thought that since I was there for a routine visit it would be a quick in and out and would only take a few minutes.  I don’t think I even considered it being that bad until I opened the office door.  The waiting room was PACKED.  There were hardly any seats left. (On a side note, I do not understand the concept of couches in waiting rooms.  If the couch is large enough to fit more than two people who is going to electively sit next to a stranger or a couple for that matter. ) That was extremely awkward but luckily I found a single chair and quickly took a seat.  I scanned the room hoping to see at least one “non pregnant” woman joining me that day.  For the most part it was couples who either looked very excited or extremely bored.  I did find a few women, who by my assessment did not appear to be pregnant.  One of those women I later overheard talking about her newborn that was not with her that day.  The other woman was much older than me so I figured she was probably past the stage of having children and/or her children were in school.

I sat in the waiting room for at least 45 minutes before being called back.  I know that the people joining me in the waiting room that day could care less who I am, but I felt as if everyone was staring at me.  When I was finally called back I was so relieved.  I thought that I was in the clear until they informed me that after they took my vital signs and I turned in my “ladies room sample” I had to take a seat back in the waiting room until the doctor was ready for me.  Again I was burdened with the task of finding an empty seat.  After another 15-20 minutes I was called back and the exam was quick and simple.  I made it into my car and did not break down until I called Ben to let him know how horrible the entire experience was.  I am so blessed to have a husband who is sensitive and understanding of my feelings.  There is no climactic ending or even an enlightening lesson to this post other than going through tough times is exactly what is implied, tough.  Just when you feel as though you are reaching a peak emotionally, spiritually, and physically, another valley seems to be right around the corner.  I know that the Lord is holy and awesome and He has a great plan for us.  I am trusting Him to get us to the place He has planned for us, and I know that He is faithful.

The other day I heard a comment on the radio that was both thought provoking and convicting.  The comment was in regards to how we deal with the unexpected trials we face in life.  When we are faced with a situation that is less than ideal we should ask WHAT and not WHY.  Instead of focusing on why I don’t have this, or why this happened to me, you should focus on WHAT the Lord is trying to teach you through the situation.  I realized how often I am caught up in wondering why something is or is not happening while I  should be focusing my attention on what the Lord has planned for me.  The radio host also referenced a verse that is always encouraging to me.  The verse was Romans 8:28 “ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”.  This was a good reminder for me to focus on the Lord and not to be caught up in the why and why nots of this world.

The Waiting Room has been especially difficult and easy for me lately.  That’s right.  It’s not a type o.  At times, I feel as though I am desperately treading through quick sand, fighting to stay above Satan’s despair, failure, hopelessness, and disappointment.  I want to be a dad so bad.  It seems as though everywhere I turn, somebody else has just what I want.  I just don’t know how long I can continue battling to stay positive and faithful to this course God has determined me to walk.  God, are you there?  Can anybody hear me?  Is this really where You want me to be?  This has to be a mistake!

Other times seem just as easy and hopeful as ever.  As I intentionally place each day in His hands, the pain of waiting to become a father seems to be covered by just how tremendously blessed I am and how incredibly faithful our God is.  It’s like I really am right where God wants me to be.  Instead of thinking my present situation is all doom and gloom, I can actually face it.  I mean stare it right in the face and actually know with all my being that God is doing something so special, so much more than what my finite mind can even comprehend.  Then all I can do is smile.  After all, He made me.  He knew me before the world was even formed.  He’s got this!

I am reminded of Jesus’ journey through His three year ministry here on earth.  As you read through the gospels, there is such a clear picture that Jesus lived with a sense of the Father’s timing in His life.  My pastor made this point in one of his messages several months back.  There are several passages in John where Jesus says, “the right time for me has not yet come.”  In John 8:20b, the scripture says, “yet no one seized Him, because His time had not yet come.”  However, if you continue on through John, you will find Jesus praying in chapter 17, “Father, the time has come.  Glorify your Son, that Your Son may glorify You.”  The time had come!  If Jesus lived with a sense of God’s timing on his life, we should too.

I pray for myself and for you that we can seek God with all our hearts, make our requests, knock on God’s door regularly, and know that He hears, He is in control, and He has a special time for us coming.  God is so good all the time!

I have never been very good at maintaining a daily quiet time.  I have started strong many times, only to fall behind when life gets crazy (aka I make excuses).  For the past few months, Ben and I have been reading a daily devotional that we love by Charles Stanley.  The name of the devotional is “On Holy Ground”.  I have always thought that having a daily quiet time and reading your Bible daily was important, but it wasn’t until recently that I finally “got it”.  There have been several days where either Ben or I, or both of us, have been praying about something and then find the answer or encouragement in the scripture reading for that day’s devotional.  I think I finally realized how important it is to read the Word and stay in constant communication with the Lord.  He may not give you the final answer you are praying for at the time you ask for it,  but He will provide encouragement and hope that will help you deal with life’s journey.

I remember one day in particular that Ben and I had prayed about an important decision in our lives.  We went to bed somewhat confused, but felt that we may have the answer in our minds.  We did not have a peace about it, and when we woke up the next day the scripture was about making quick decisions and the poor outcomes that can result from not waiting on the Lord.  To us it was confirmation that we should not proceed at that time in the direction we were planning on going.  I thank the Lord that he provided that direction for us and can’t help but wonder if we would have made the same decision if we had not read our Bible that morning.  I again was reminded of the Lord’s love for us this morning while reading my Bible.  The scripture passage was James 1:2-8.

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

This was such an encouragement to me.  I felt the Lord telling me to be patient and know that there is a much larger plan than what I can even imagine.  I heard the Lord telling me that I will be “not lacking anything” when my perseverence finishes its work.  My encouragement to you is to daily, consistently spend time in God’s Word, and He will provide encouragement and insight to help you walk through the trials of life.